


Then we will fight!

by LadyRedflame



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst with a Happy Ending, Architect!Steve, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Light Angst, M/M, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers-centric, Veteran!Bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2019-03-09 10:06:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13479195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyRedflame/pseuds/LadyRedflame
Summary: It's been seven hours and fifteen daysSince you took your love awayOne day, Bucky is there with him and everything is ok (sort of); the day after, Bucky's gone and all that's left of him is a note on the fridge.Steve is not good at this, he's not good at ignoring the fact that his Bucky is not with him. But there is one thing that Steve is good at and it's not run away from a fight.





	Then we will fight!

**Author's Note:**

> So...where to start?
> 
> This is actually my first try at a Stucky fanfic: I love the pairing, no matter the universe they're in...they're just meant to be together.  
> I don't own any Marvel character (unfortunately) nor I own the song in the fiction (the lovely "Nothing compares 2 U"...Sinead O'Connor is just amazing in it).
> 
> I put this in the "Teen and Up" because there are maybe a bit too much "fuck" and "fucking" around...I have a mouth on me, it's been said.  
> Also, every error in grammar, times consistency or else is my own fault: the story is not betaed and I'm not an English native speaker.
> 
> And, last but not least, this thing came to life partially because
> 
> [IronMansPanties](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mypissedoffsandwich/pseuds/IronMansPanties)
> 
> wanted to read something more of my attempts at writing. Well, you asked for it I guess XD

_It's been seven hours and fifteen days_

_Since you took your love away_

It’s fifteen days, seven hours, forty two minutes and...he stops staring at the clock on his laptop when he realizes he’s counting the seconds and not working on his project. His project that’s due in a couple of days; and it’s a big project too, the very first completely green, sustainable, self sufficient building he was asked to design by no one else than Tony Stark himself.

Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist Tony Stark.

And instead of working, adding the final touches to his project, he’s staring at the clock on his laptop like it’s just kicked his puppy and left him on the road...under the rain.

Closing his eyes is no better tho, his brain gladly providing images of what it was before.

Before _their_ , his apartment feels too big, too empty, the walls crowding him and everything feels too much and not enough at the same time.

Before the silence makes his skin crawl, like it’s stretched too thin on his bones and his lungs remember that he used to have asthma and they clutch in the same exact way, making it hard to breathe or even think about how to do it.

 

_I go out every night and sleep all day_

_Since you took your love away_

The buzz of his phone brings him back to reality and he gives the thing an overly annoyed look. But not answering a call from _this_ particular best friend is not an option Steve is even willing to consider, so he picks up the call with a sigh and a “What do you want?” as a greeting.

“You’re moping again” says the voice on the other end, in a - don’t even try to lie to me - kind of voice that makes him sigh again, louder this time. It’s really not the first time they have this conversation and he already knows how it will end.

“I’m not moping and I have a project to finish, Nat”, they met in college, when as an assignment he had to design the settings for some opera ballet and she was already one of the most talented (and requested) ballerinas, all lithe body and grace. He discovered during their first talk that she also got a tongue sharp as a knife and she wasn’t scared to use it either “Then you will finish it tomorrow, Rogers. Tonight we’re going out” it’s like it is all already settled, he hasn’t a say in the matter when it comes to Natasha.

But today he really doesn’t want to go out: it’s useless after all, he already tried. The plan, in theory, is really simple: go out, go to a bar, get drunk enough to forget and try to hook up with some random stranger for the night. But then, there's many a slip 'twixt cup and lip.

“Not this time Nat, you’re on your own”, he tries to use the commanding voice he uses when he has to present a project to a client even if he knows it doesn’t work with the redhead “I will get back at you for this one, you owe me Steve!”, of course she will find a way to guilt trip him into something worse for this, but he’s not really in the mood for trying anymore. He already tried to act normal, to pretend that his heart is not into a million fucking pieces and he can’t even begin to piece it together. He’s not even trying actually.

 

_Since you been gone I can do whatever I want_

_I can see whomever I choose_

Fifteen days is not much, but he’s already received a couple of offers: just grab a beer after work or a coffee on his day off. Innocent enough if he doesn’t know better; if he wants, he can have whomever he chooses, he just has to say yes to one of those offers. But he never does because the truth is that he doesn’t want someone else. He came to this conclusion a couple of days before, recovering from one of his too many nights of lost sleep.

Despite all the problems in their relationship, for him Bucky is the end of the game. He’s IT. And he left fifteen days ago, without saying a word. Steve came back from one of his meetings and he didn’t found him at home, a quick note attached to the fridge instead.

And since then, he’s beating himself up for not seeing the symptoms, for not being more aware, caring, supportive...whatever. He wasn’t there enough.

He knows Bucky since they were in primary school, when he was a scrawny kid who didn’t know when to back off of fights; he lost count of how many times Bucky step in a fight to save his sorry ass from a kid two times his size. He was there when, in senior year, Steve’s mother died.

And Steve was there when Bucky decided to enlist; God only knows if he was there! He tried his damnest best to change his mind, to keep him safe at home and he can still remember the day he has to say goodbye at the airport before his best friend, his lover, the love of his fucking life leaves on his first tour.

_I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant_

_But nothing_

_I said nothing can take away these blues_

“I went home and he...he wasn’t there” it’s not the first time he tells this story to Sam, but since they’re out for lunch why not telling it again? Maybe this time it will make more sense. Sam, poor Sam who works at the VA and knows the entire story just sighs and nods. They’re at this fancy, but not too much, restaurant near his office and Steve can’t help but to glance around, hoping to see familiar grey-blue eyes meeting his “Man, you know he’s still recovering right?”

If Steve had a dollar for every time he has listened to that question, he would be a very rich man because God only knows how many times he was asked it over and over again in the last year and a half “I know, Sam. I fucking know!” he’s not one for swearing, that would be Bucky, but desperate times and all that jazz “I just want him back or at least to know he’s safe and not living under a bridge” Before he can start again to ramble about how worried he is for the love of his life and before Sam can lean over the table and slap him on the head, the waitress comes with their orders.

The look Sam levels on his friend is speaking volumes, holding an entire speech on how to treat veterans with PTSD and disabilities in just one, long, stare “You’re lucky I like you man, but let Barnes breathe for Christ’s sake”.

It seems to be the end of their conversation, at least while they’re eating, only that Steve’s not really eating, like more pushing his food around and picking up something here and there “He’s fine, he’s survived in that hellhole, I’m sure he’s gonna be fine around ol’ New York”

_'Cause nothing compares_

_Nothing compares to you_

Having lunch with Sam wasn’t all that bad after all, at least his mind wasn’t completely focused on Bucky for the time of their meeting. Now, however, it comes back to his natural state of worry while Steve’s pacing around the house just to try and find something to do. Yes, he still has work to do, but his brain is not cooperating and instead of finishing his project he finds himself curled up on the windowsill with a sketch pad and a pencil in his hands. And of course he’s drawing one of the infinite versions of his lover he has tucked inside his mind over the time.

Because it’s true what they say: you only appreciate things (or persons in this case) when you lost them. He’s not sure he has lost Bucky forever, but if he decides to come back they need to figure out a whole lot of things to get their relationship to work right.

Most of all, he needs to know how to help Bucky. He doesn’t know IF Bucky needs his help, but he’s willing to try; he will go to hell and back for his best friend, his brother, his lover, his hus...he stops the thoughts right there because of what Sam told him already so many times: “one step at time and give the man a bit of control in his fucked up life, for God’s sake Rogers!”

And so, that’s what he’s trying to do. Failing miserably and spectacularly too.

At least, that’s what Natasha says.

 

_It's been so lonely without you here_

_Like a bird without a song_

The apartment is too silent, too big for him alone. He woke up from a nightmare and wasn’t able to go back to sleep. Wandering around the place seems a good idea; it’s raining outside and the living room is pretty chill, not cold but not that warm either.

He finds himself staring out of a window, looking at the Brooklyn night under the rain. For just a few moments it’s peaceful, his mind finally setting in what he calls “power saving mode”, a quiet state where thoughts don’t do much but linger there without calling for attention.

Of course it didn’t last long; maybe it’s the rain, maybe it’s just his fears stretching out and try to grab him or maybe it’s just what’s left of his nightmare...Steve doesn’t know.

He feels caged, trapped in his own apartment and in his own body too. Some of the health problems he had as a kid disappeared after his teens when he hit a growth spurt but he still has a heart condition and he’s almost deaf without his hearing aids on. Thank God the asthma’s got away and he doesn’t fall sick so often now. But sometimes he still feel like his body is betraying him or it feels too weak and fragile for what he needs it. Even if he’s 6 feet two and two hundred pounds.

Bucky never cared. Not when they were younger and he preferred to stay at Steve’s side instead of playing with other kids, not now when Steve still manages to end in a fight for this reason or another at least twice a month (and thank everyone up above it’s not twice a week and in the meantime he has learned how to fight decently).

And right now is one of those moments, one of those moments when Steve really wants to be with his lover because it’s raining and his mood is spiraling down pretty fast.

_Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling_

_Tell me baby where did I go wrong_

Steve finds himself wiping away a stray tear, blinking a couple of time because he was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t realize he was crying “Fuck!” he mutters while moving to the kitchen to start the Keurig: maybe a cup of coffee will help him get his shit together. As soon as the coffee is ready, he leans against the counter, sipping it in the silence of the night, his mind still wandering. And Steve lets it wander until it reached the memory of the note attached to the fridge; he cringes at that memory, he usually does everything possible to avoid it, but apparently you can’t avoid things forever.

It was short the message and it has hurt so much reading it...he feels the wet of the tears at the corners of his eyes but does nothing to take care of them.

Sighing, he finishes the coffee and puts the cup in the sink. He cried when he first saw those few words, a single sentence really: “You’re better off without me” not even signed. He cried and tried to reach Bucky’s phone; it wasn’t answering of course, probably forgotten at the bottom of the only backpack that was missing from the closet.

In the fifteen days since that, he tried some more time to reach the phone with no results; and any not answer he had lead to more tears. Always alone, always when no one was around. Steve doesn’t like pity, doesn’t like the looks his friends give him, the half pity half “we’re worried about you and your health, please stop giving us heart attacks”. He’s sick of it all, sick of his health problems and sick of his friends. Sometimes it goes like that, he shuts out the world and just wallows in self deprecation.

And, sometimes, he thinks that, maybe, what the note means is just “I’m better off without you” and it hurts.

 

_I could put my arms around every boy I see_

_But they'd only remind me of you_

Fifteen days turn into a month and then into two. It’s two month that Bucky left with a single note on the fridge, two month Steve’s trying to keep his shit together and go on with the part of his life that doesn’t require his lover. Basically he has thrown himself into work, taking up more projects than he can manage.

After all, the new Stark Tower’s been a hit. Everyone and their dog know that the building is self powering and runs on clean energy plus the conference to present the project has involved a lot of talking about the architecture and the person who actually designed it.

So more clients, more commissions, more work.  
Everything to stop counting the days, the hours, to stop thinking about Bucky and where he could be.

Steve is at the point in his life where is career is skyrocketing and he’s slowly, but steadily, becoming know for his works; and with fame comes the offers.

Only at Stark’s party for the beginning of the works for the Tower he got at least three people handling him a napkin or some sort of paper scrap with a name and a phone number, not to talk about the people (both female and male) who not so subtly try to propose some sort of one night stand slash friends with benefits thing.

He’s not interested. Every man who tries to get in his pants, he sees Bucky. He sees steel blue eyes even when the other person’s are black or brown or green. It doesn’t matter, because his brain is set on Bucky like some sort of programming ingrained so deep in his mind that is impossible to carve it out.

So instead he chooses work.

 

_I went to the doctor and guess what he told me?_

_Guess what he told me?_

_He said girl you better try to have fun_

_No matter what you do, but he's a fool_

He worked so much that, of course, his body starts to protest. And protests loudly too. And of course, being the little stubborn shit he is, Steve ignores his own body, continuing to work and pretends that everything is just peachy.

He’s at home the first time, working on the renovation of some old brownstones owned by someone who has too much money to spend in a whole life. It’s nothing really, just some dizziness and black little spots dancing in his vision; he takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes and keeps them closed for a couple of seconds and the dancing spots are gone. Nothing to worry about.

The dizziness’s still there tho.

The second time he’s with Natasha and Sam in some pub they succeed dragging him to. No alcohol for him (it messes with the heart medications), so he can’t even blame the fact he’s drunk. Steve gets up and suddenly he’s blind, head spinning and is Sam who’s catching him before he falls on his ass “Whoa man! You’re ok?”

“Yeah Sam, peachy. Just stood up too quickly” the glare Natasha’s giving him tells Steve she hasn’t believed a word and so doesn’t Sam, even if neither of them says something. They know better by now than arguing with him: it’s like arguing with a wall in the best case scenario; in the worst one Steve will do the exact opposite of what told just to piss everyone off.

Stubborn little shit.

But, given his health, at least he sets up an appointment with a doctor (his usual one has some sort of congress or whatever). When he tells the doctor what happened, the only thing he gets is “Boy stop worrying and working so damn hard. It’s not worth it! Damn, try to have a bit of fun”.

Steve almost punches him.

After that, he swears to never see any other doctor except for his usual one, Doctor Erskine. The others are just a bunch of morons and that’s final.

No one’s ever said he’s stubborn, haven’t they?

_'Cause nothing compares_

_Nothing compares to you_

The thing is, if he stops working, he’s going to have a panic attack or at least so it seems. Working is the perfect way to distract his mind from all things Bucky related; the fact that Steve’s wearing one of Bucky’s hoodies doesn’t mean anything: it’s just comfortable and soft and remind him of his lover. Who cares?

The fact that he’s wearing it to go to the cemetery is a whole different story; he took the habit after his mum died: once a week, Steve puts on his best clothes (or something like that, Bucky’s hoodie is the clothing equivalent of comfort food and right now he needs that, so shut up), buys a little bouquet of the most colorful flowers he can find and he goes visit Mrs. Sarah Rogers.

“Ehi ma...” in the beginning it felt strange to talk to a stone, but now is some sort of ritual he’s used to. Steve sits cross legged on the grass in front of his mother’s tombstone and just talks like she can answer his questions or contribute to the conversation “you’ll probably smack me on the head if you’re here. I think I messed up...” he thought about it a million times since the day he found the note on the fridge, but he never said it out loud. And it’s actually some sort of therapy, pouring his heart to his mother, even if she’s not here and she can’t answer; but it’s soothing and if he ends up crying his eyes out on the tombstone it’s nobody’s business.

“I’ll see you next week mom...I miss you” it’s always the same sentence, always the promise of coming back the week after and the reminder he’s alone now. And this time, like all the times before since Bucky left, the loneliness is a bit thicker, a bit too much, like a small hole someone’s continued to pick at widening it week after week.

And it’s only then, when he’s giving his goodbyes that he feels like someone’s watching him and he turns just in time to see a lonely figure standing next to a tree, trying to hide. Someone Steve hasn’t seen in months; it’s instinct really, nothing more than that, when he moves a few steps, letting out a strangled “Buck - ” with a voice he doesn’t recognize as his. And it’s just enough to startle that figure, to have him first hide behind the tree and then run off like the devil’s chasing him.

 

_All the flowers that you planted mama_

_In the back yard_

_All died when you went away_

Steve’s so shaken when he got home that he paces in the living room for about an hour before deciding to call Sam. He has to try two times before being able to unlock the phone, his hands shaking not so lightly.

“He was there Sam, he was at the cemetery when I was visiting ma...” he forgoes all the pleasantries and goes straight to the point “Barnes was at the cemetery? And, since I know you, you went at the same time, same day of the week since back then. And we know he knows because he used to go with you” one thing you have to give Sam credit for is that he picks up very fast on the subject. It’s not really that difficult after all, since Steve (when he’s not focusing on his work) has made a mission to try and find Bucky...with zero results so far.

“Yes and I tried to call him but he...I don’t know, got scared? He looked at me like...” he rubs a hand over his face, almost forgetting the glasses he always wears “What do I do Sam?” there is silence on the other end and for a moment he thinks his friend just hang up, tired of all the mess. “You wait man; it’s the only thing you can do right? He was AWOL for two months and now he resurfaces at your ma’s grave...give him another bit of time mh?” the tone Sam’s using is soothing, like he’s trying to calm the whirlwind of emotions and thoughts that’s going on in Steve’s mind.

They talk a little more and by the end of the call, he feels a bit less shaken, a bit more grounded; he’s not ok, far from it, but he will be...eventually.

He puts down the phone and, for the first time in weeks, dares to go out on the balcony. It’s a really small one, not really a surprise, but it’s still nice to be able to step out of the house without technically doing it. Plus, it’s Bucky favorite place and he transformed it into a mini garden with all sorts of plants and flowers; or at least that was true before he went AWOL. Now they are all a bit withered even if he has done his best to keep them from fade “Guess I just don’t have a green thumb mh?” apparently, and even without speaking, the Marigolds agree with him from their vase. They look kind of sad too if he squints.

 

_I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard_

_But I'm willing to give it another try_

_'Cause nothing compares_

_Nothing compares to you_

He doesn’t see Bucky after the day at the cemetery, not a single hint to where he could be, not a phone call, nothing. And it’s driving him crazy...well, crazier that Steve already was accordingly to what Sam and Natasha says.

It’s only two weeks later he sees him again and it’s like someone knocked the wind out of Steve.

It was a very normal, very average day: he got up, went for his usual run with Sam (“are you planning on run the New York marathon Rogers?” Sam’s always complaining), showered, ate breakfast and went to some meetings with clients and potential ones. His usual day until it wasn’t anymore.

It started snowing just a bit before noon, nothing special since it’s December and New York is well...New York; but this time the only thing Steve seems able to do is worrying about where Bucky is and he’s so worried that he decided to cut short the last meeting and go home.

To worry a bit more probably.

And it’s when he reaches his house that the day changes drastically.

Because, sitting on the front steps of the building is Bucky. He’s almost curled in a ball, arms hugging his legs and head resting on his knees and it’s probably a while he’s there too because there a tiny layer of snow covering his jacket, snowflakes resting in his hair.

The only thing Steve can do right now is stare, mouth open and if this was some sort of strange comic his jaw will be on the ground; because, let’s face it, even in his wildest dreams he hasn’t even think of the possibility of Bucky’s coming back on his own free will.

And it’s like his surprise is enough for Bucky to raise his head, assessing him with an half raised eyebrow before he lift himself up, shaking away the snow with fast, efficient wipes of his hands, one flesh and one metal. Steve’s frozen to the spot, unable to move forward or do anything: he just stares, almost fearing this is only his imagination and, if he moves, his lover’s going to disappear.

But Bucky doesn’t disappear at all: “Are you going to stare for the rest of the day?” the question comes out a little too much on the rough side, but it’s a clear attempt at the usual Bucky Barnes’ sass.

That’s enough, enough to shake Steve out of his trance and move a couple of shaky steps towards him, a shy smile that he can’t, for the life of him, hide: “You’re...here” it’s dumb, but apparently Steve’s brain decided to shut for the day at the worst time: he cringes the moment the words leave his mouth but he can’t take them back; he can only hope that speaking won’t scare Bucky away, that he will stay.

The look Bucky gives him is a big “duh” without even have to open his mouth to say it; instead he tries to curve one corner of his mouth in an attempted smile, a faded copy of the grin he so often sported before everything. It’s enough.

 

Awkwardly, somehow they migrate inside and it’s strange being again two in an apartment that had felt too big for too long time. Somehow it seems too much and not enough at the same time; the fact that both of them can’t figure how to start a conversation isn’t helping at all.

In the end, Bucky wanders through the living room like he’s rediscovering his own home and Steve can only watch when he stops in front of the easel in the corner. He forgot about that and he tries to say something, only managing an half strangled groan that only makes Bucky turn half in his direction with a raised eyebrow, enough to make Steve blush like he’s sixteen all over again, dealing with being bi **and** madly in love with his best friend at the same time.

“That’s...uh...” speaking is clearly not one of Steve’s best skills, not at the moment anyway. A skill he doesn’t need right now because, for all his silences and disappearing one day into thin air, it’s Bucky who speaks.

“Listen”, and it’s clear that he’s forcing himself to speak, hands curled into fists on his sides and a stubborn glint in eyes that are usually hunted, that have seen too many things to last at least a couple of lifetimes: “I know what you thought about the message. I know you” short sentences, ending with periods so heavy they could be bullets in a wall: “I’m **not** better without you, but I was dragging you down” and Steve wants so badly to interrupt, to say that’s not true, but he knows better.

He doesn’t want to risk Bucky fleeing again and so the only thing he can do his making a non committal sound: “And I thought that going away was solving the problem. But see...” there’s an attempt at laughing from Bucky that turns out more like a choking sound, like he’s mocking his own ideas: “problems don’t go away if you run from them and in the end...” he doesn’t finish the sentence, just opens his arms and shrugs.

 

_Nothing compares_

_Nothing compares to you_

_Nothing compares_

_Nothing compares to you_

Running from their problems is something both Steve and Bucky are masters at, but apparently they also reach a point where they can’t run anymore. And it’s scary, because if you can’t run, you have to fight. There’s a heavy silence that follows Bucky’s words, everything is so still that Steve can hear the blood in his veins and his heartbeat spiking up so much he will probably have a heart attack.

“Then we’ll fight” the words come out croaking, like Steve’s forget how to speak: “Then we will fight” the second time is more sure and he straighten his back and tilt up is chin as to dare anyone to prove him wrong. It’s the same body language that usually make all the hairs on Sam and Natasha’s necks stand because it means someone near them is being an asshole and Steve’s gonna do something about it. There’s a reason his friends call him Captain America after all.

But, all jokes aside, this is a fight he’s not willing to lose, the only fight he’s determined in winning, no matter what: “You remember what I told you long time ago Buck?” it’s rhetorical, there isn’t enough time for Bucky to try to answer the question: “I told you I’m with you till the end of the line” he has to swallow to continue, tears threatening to fall while he watches the love of his damn life coming closer, still wary, still a bit feral: “and till the end of the line means I will always be with you, no matter what, no matter how hard it will be. I’m here and you’re the only thing that matters” and by the end of the sentence, tears has start to fall but Steve doesn’t seem to care.

“Then we will fight” it’s an echo of his own words the sentence coming out of Bucky’s mouth, the same stubborn expression Steve’s seen so many times in the mirror: “We’ll fight, but you have to do it to. I can’t fight alone pal...” and it’s painfully obvious that Bucky’s talking about Steve’s depression: “and you can’t fight alone. So...we do it together mh?” there’s a moment of stillness where neither of them dare to move, to make the next step. But in the end, it’s not necessary because they had know each other all their lives and they meet halfway, arms stretched wide first and engulfing then: “Till the end of the line”.

It’s not a happy ending, it’s the start of something different, something scary and...Well...since Steve **is** a drama queen...it’s another war to fight, their war. A war they’re both very set on winning.

**Author's Note:**

> If you reached this, thank you for reading and please let me know what you think of the story? If you want I mean, no pressure.
> 
> Kudos are also very welcome <3


End file.
